I sit here listening to the haunting Coldplay song "Reign of Love" I know another year of my life has come and gone.

I feel caught in an interesting paradox... the past 8 years of my life have been ruled by violent change, depression, and poor choices.

Most of this was precipitated by a 'fight or flight' response... a living by the seat of my pants, can I make it until my next paycheck, constant feeling of the need for self-preservation.

I would often disappear for days, cut off communication with friends and family, and lie so often about so much that I would start to lose my very grip on reality.

Over three years into my stable, well paying, and challenging job at Cody Systems now... I've got a almost new car that is nearly paid off, and for the first time in recent memory, haven't bounced a check or card purchase for some time.

My mind has been terribly preoccupied lately with thoughts to my future, what my goals should be, and a certain confusion.  You see, I'd been living day-to-day for so long that I've forgotten how to actually look ahead to the future.

I've been trying to teach myself to be a better steward of my money - I've improved my credit score by a bunch, started a budget, and paid down all my debt.

Education... I'm a bright guy, with a penchant for all sorts of useless trivia (put me in the Cash Cab and I'd have Ben begging for mercy!) but I didn't do particularly well in school for a lot of reasons, and college was never an option.  If the opportunity presented itself, I would like to at least try to get some certifications in Information Technology, but I've always been weak in Maths if it's needed...

Faith.  I don't have much... at least not lately... I grew up in a pretty strong Christian family.. went to church all the way through middle school - even got a job playing the piano for a church at the age of 16 until I was maybe 20 or 21.  I miss that...

Then of course, there's love... companionship... thoughts of marriage and of starting a family... I've done a lot of damage in seeking out some really stupid relationships... I had caused a few deep wounds, some betrayals of trust, and certain things I had taken for granted.  I've been hurt too, by someone I trusted, loved, and cared about more than anyone else, ever.  I still wonder what happened... even through all the other troubles I was experiencing in my life I always believed that things would just work out.

I get trapped inside my own mind too often... it takes a conscious effort at times just to leave my apartment - but when I get out, around family or friends, I always have a great time.


Why am I sharing all of this with you?  It feels good just to get "pen on page" so to speak.  I want to share more of my life with all of you people that I can call Friend.  I treasure all of you, and appreciate the birthday wishes you have sent my way.

Thank you for your love!


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Reign of love / I can’t let go
To the sea I offer / This heavy load

Locusts will / Lift me up
I’m just a prisoner / In a reign of love

Locusts will / Let us stop
I wish I’d spoken / To the reign of love

Reign of love / By the church, we’re waiting
Reign of love / My knees go praying

How I wish / I’d spoken up
Or we’d be carried / In the reign of love.
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